'wait...wait...did you say BOYFRIEND or GIRLFRIEND?!

As much as I hate to admit it, and my girlfriend will gladly admit to that, I'm not quite the suave, sophisticated bilingual I'd like to be. I can usually understand the conversations now, and my speaking is improving, but situations like today's serve as reminders on how far I need to go.

I was at the bus station, trying vainly to find a ticket back from the beach house this weekend, as we'll be spending the weekend there with some friends for new year's. Anyway, I have a ride there, but no ride back, hence the search. Anyway, in January, 13 million porteños leave the city, so tickets are hard to find. I did find one company selling still, so I waited in line patiently.

While waiting, this guy strikes up a conversation in Spanish with me. It went like this...

g will be guy, m will be me. loose translations to ensue...

g---man, everyone wants to leave the city. you need to park yourself here for hours to get a ticket.

m---yeah, it's incredible. i hate it.

g---yeah..where are you from?

m---canada

g---vancouver? montreal?

m---calgary...

g---i've never been there. why are you here?

m---i have a girlfriend from here. You're not from here? Where are you from?

g---i was born here, but I've lived in Frankfurt for 6 years now, and i'm visiting my mother.

m---i see. i've been to germany and loved it.

g---i hate it there...the people are so cold.

(guy gets to buy a ticket, then I take my turn, noticing that he' s waiting for me.)

m---i could only buy for 330, that sucks.

g---you're coming back from Villa Gesell? I'm going to mar del plata...(they're close) Do you have time to go for a coffee?

m---(more nervous).--actually, I have to go to work. I'm sorry. Why don't you give me your number and we can hang out sometime.

g---ok, that sounds good. (number exchange) Let's walk out together.

m---ok.

we walk out together, and he complains more about germany, more about the people, tells me about a former room mate that killed himself, and about his friend Ian.

5 mins later---

g---can i tell you one thing?

m---sure-

g---you have beautiful eyes. really beautiful. I love them.

m---gracias.

g---don't be modest-.--they're really nice-

m---(very red) um, gracias.

g---(says something I don't understand)

m---can you say that again.

g---sure.

m---can you speak english.

g---what do you think? yes, of course.

m---well, my girlfriend and I have been to the North of Arge....

g---wait, wait. WAIT. did you say girlfriend? I completely thought you were GAY. My jaw just dropped. You're not gay? I thought you said boyfriend before. So, you're really not gay?

m---no. but don't worry, it doesn't bother me what you said.

g---tell you're girlfriend her boyfriend has beautiful eyes. don't feel awkward...it's a compliment.

m---ok...i'll tell her. and thanks.

....we continued our then awkward conversation, cracking the odd joke, and the guy feeling quite awkward. he was 37, a little old for me anyway.

Up on the housetop, the reindeer pause...

Merry Christmas and happy holidays to everyone out there. I hope that this post finds everyone content and feeling satisfied at this time of year. Take care and enjoy this time with your families and close friends. cheers,

edit...email sent to friends etc...

Hi to everyone. Just a short note to wish you all a happy holiday season. I know, it's just a group email, and those are lazy, etc, buy I hope that this note finds you all happy and content. As you may or may not know, I'm still in Argentina, marking 9 months of living here. It's strange to have a christmas with sweat pouring down my face from the heat, and to go out may mean risking a sun burn, but, it's alright. Of course it's hard to be away from home this time of year, and away from friends also, but we're spending christmas eve tonight with ana's extended family, and then a few of us are going to their family beach house for new years, which should be no less than amazing. Well, take care, and as I said before, I hope everyone is enjoying, and relaxing in, this holiday season,


here are some interesting facts that I've thought of to maybe help you understand argentina better---

1. they eat 4 pounds of meat per person, per day. this is red meat, and doesn't inlude any of that 'wimpy chicken meat', as the locals here call it.

2. there are no other vegetables than potatoes, and even these are served in small proportions, so as not to take away from the taste of the 4 pounds of meat on your plate.

3. not only is it 'cool' for girls to smoke here, it's also a law. if you are a girl, you must be a smoker. ana breaks the law.

4. Argentinans summed up in one quote: 'argentinans, complaining about what they don't have....taking advantage of it when they get it.'---no offence to the argentinians on this list.

5. A construction worker isn't there to construct...he's there to yell things and whistle at anything feminine with two legs (sometimes 4) that happens to walk past him.

6. There are no small car accidents here. If you see an ambulance on the highway, it's most likely for show...cause man, those cars will be destroyed.

7. The police don't make you feel more safe...unless you have lots of money to offer them to protect you. If you get pulled over here, and don't speak the language, don't worry, the only thing the policeman is saying to you is...'well, well, well,...how can we solve this problem....' while opening his wallet to receive your 'fine'.

8. Piqueteros, or people that picket for a living will shut down the city center 3 or 4 times per week, leaving the citizens angry and bothered. These people make picketing their job....and can switch sides at will, depending who pays them more.

9. Don't even think of drinking milk here...unless you want to be laughed at and ridiculed by whoever is in the room....and don't eat cereal...you have toast in the morning, and nothing else. ever.

10. It is expected to wait in lines for everything....at least 20 mins at the supermarket.

11. It is the law that old ladies here have to dye their hair blonde, and get a nose job. there is no other option.

12. You will like soccer, or fake it. there is no other option here. also, you will know all the teams, though you can only really like Boca or River.

13. the subway will break down while you are using it. there is no other option.

14. You must live in an apartment and own either a pit bull or a great dane.

15. Coke (the pop) is considered a healthy supplement to every meal. if you don't drink coke with your meat, it won't taste good.

16. You can't trust anyone. ever.

bye and take care...happy holidays!!!!!!!


dan

Mr. Toad's Wild Ride

Well, it was nice to get out of the city for the weekend...sitting on the beach or on the balcony of the house, there was a resounding silence, which is something I'm not used to, what with dirtbikes, scooters without mufflers, and screaming buses being the modes of transportation for so many here. Does anybody know what that old cartoon was where they used to have talking rabbits, a mole, a toad, etc, and they all lived in the countryside, and maybe spoke with English accents? I totally forget. I've missed blog reading, or 'dorking-out' as I sometimes call it, and it's nice to be back for that. Don't you find that sometimes the hardest thing in the world to do is to forgive someone after they've hurt you...like, completely forgive? is there such a thing? I hope so, but I don't know.

God this thing hated me...

I'm really up in the air as far as cats are concerned. Growing up, we were always a dog family, despite the fact that one tried to decapitate me when I was 3. I faught back and once again became a dog person. It's tough when you live with a cat person. Why do these have to be such opposite tastes. People might own both cats and dogs, but inevitably, one is the favourite. I know people love cat's personalities, so independant, so self-sufficient. So self-absorbed, so self-centered. Dogs: so kind and giving always. I'm reminded of a quote I saw on Krista's (from the west coast, not kingston) about dogs being the only animals that love you more than they love themselves. I guess I love this companionship in dogs, this need. But, since we're living in an apartment, I think that owning a dog would be cruel. Cats seem to fair alright in apartments. Dogs need more space, though you wouldn't know it from seeing all the labs and retrievers in our neighborhood, on the balconies, howling all day. Anyway, take care everyone, and have a good weekend. I'm going to the bianchi family beach house tomorrow, so i won't be around this weekend. I'll try to catch up on people's blogs tonight at some point.

Hit me where it hurts

To look someone in the eye and tell them that you no longer want him or her to be a part of your life, that you no longer want to share a relationship with him or her, is one of the most painful things in the world. Maybe I'm particular, maybe not, but I look back at past relationships that I've ended, and wish so much that it was the girl breaking up with me rather than me breaking up with the girl. I could handle it, I would walk away...I may not feel swell for a few days, but I know that I could handle it. But, if the break up isn't done democratically, if it is only your decision, and the partner is left still wanting, begging you, crying to you, the barest, most raw emotion right in front, that is the hardest thing to remain strong in that situation, to remain unwavered and not question your decision.

Maybe it's an ego thing...maybe I think too much of myself, to think that I girl will be so hurt by me leaving her...maybe they're really the same as me, and will hurt for a while, but ultimately be alright. Maybe I'm too empathetic for my own good...maybe I have a wild imagination mixed with empathy, thinking that person's pain is too much for him or her.

In the end, I don't stay in relationships because I'm scared of not being able to find someone else, but because I don't want the pain of breaking up with someone.

*note to friends and parents, this is not an indication of my life in this moment...just a thought in general...

I Took Your Cherry.

Cherries are the evil fruit, because they taste so so good, but then, after you've eaten 30, you feel so so bad. I have a question. Can anyone tell me how to create my own background for my blog, please? I'm going to 'mix it up' a bit, as the hipsters say these days. Hope everyone had a good weekend....welcome to Monday.

Black cat, white cat.

I haven't been too motivated lately to update or anything, and I regret that this blog isn't really anonymous, so I can't really post what I want.

Last night, I was walking and I suddenly realized that I had a disease. I asked my girlfriend what it was. She lamented that I had AIDS. I was devastated. We roamed the streets, crying and questioning, fighting, and stopping to get guys to take some photos and give us advise with the camera. Then, I realized that likely after I die, I was going to go to hell, because they don't let promiscuous people into heaven. Then I justified that there is, in fact, no life after death, so it didn't really matter anyway. Then I got really excited, because it was the end of this life, but I was going to be starting a new one, and that was good.
Eventually, the time came when it was the night before I was going to die. I went to bed, knowing that I was going to be visited by a ghost that night. I woke up to see the liquidesque figure opening my door, coming towards my bed. He was not the grim reaper or satan, but someone who had also died from AIDS, and he was there to talk to me, or at least answer my questions. I didn't know what to say, really...I started to cry and I reached for my camera. This guy was part Matthew Good, part someone I don't know. Anyway, he sat on the edge of my bed, and listened to me, and spoke in a frank, understanding way. It was amazing to have someone there that knows what it feels like to die...like, the actual moment of death, and he told me not to be ashamed for dying from AIDS.
The next day, the day of my death, I was walking with my girlfriend, and we realized that she likely had AIDS as well. It was logical that if I had it, she had it. Not knowing what else to do, we sat at a cafe table. Suddenly, I was like..wait, are you sure I have AIDS? I thought I didn't...I thought we were certain of that. No, no, I don't have AIDS...what a relief, I won't die today. ...I started to sob amidst my girlfriend telling me not to worry about it, because it wasn't really happening anymore. It didn't matter, because I'd still lived the process of thinking I was going to die 2 times, and that's really the worst part.

These are the Daves I know I know...these are the Daves I know.

95% of the people you meet in life can be likened to day old pizza in the fridge...you could take them or leave them. If they are around, fine, but if not, it doesn't matter, you're no worse off. Then there's the other five percent...the people you fall in love with, or the people you admire, or the people who give off such positive energy, you WANT to be around them, cause nothing will ever be really bad...call them dreamers, call them eccentric, call them zealous. Meet Kyle MacDonald. I did, in Portugal, 2 years ago. Kyle is a writer, and more importantly, a doer. I say a doer, because I admire that. Kyle gets things done, and usually in an odd, charismatic kind of way. If you live in Canada, you may have seen Kyle recently on THE HOUR with George Stroumboulopoulos on CBC, and if you live in VANCOUVER, you may recognize Kyle from THE FOX, who took his idea and used it for their station. His idea consisted of starting off with one red paper clip, and trading up in value or size until he gets a house. He is currently about to receive a SNOWMOBILE. I'm not exactly sure how the FOX idea went, but I think they started off with a rock, and the last I heard, had a carved moose antler worth over a grand. Anyway, so needless to say, Kyle is getting a lot of airtime on the radio lately, and the exposure he deserves. He has a publisher for his short stories through Kinkos, and more are interested in publishing a book about oneredpaperclip.Apart from one red paperclip, kyle also came to visit me a few months ago while he was in south america to start another project call Message in a Barrel. You see, there is a mail box barrel on the galapagos islands that people put post cards into. Visitors to the island can search through the barrel and, if they find a postcard addressed to a place they will be visiting, they can take it with them and deliver it in person. Kyle chose ten, and is hand delivering them all over the world. Like I said, he's a doer. So, he's publishing short stories, receiving a house from a paperclip bid, and he's travelling the globe delivering postcards. Not bad. Not bad at all.

ps. on a side note, kyle's dad is the inventor of table shox. don't know what that is? next time you are in Subway, look at the bottom of the tables...or glance. there is a shock system there that keeps the table level...ALWAYS. No more screw systems. Subway has installed them all over the world...even here in BS. AS. Kyle has a creative family. Anway, drop by his site, and feel free to offer him something cool for his new snowmobile. He'll come to your door for the trade. Anyway, to sum it up, if you get a chance to meet kyle, do it. It's a guaranteed adventure.

The Hall of Name(s)

Hanna, the place that created nickelback, lanny macdonald, and me, was also responsible for the following people. I was catching up with a friend today on all the nicknames that the people of my town had while we growing up. Remember, I come from central alberta...that is your warning. Most of the names generated are from within a four year radius of eachother, and given that I graduated with 35 people, you can see the odds of having one of these life long tags are pretty great...the list will grow as memory allows. As luck would have it, most of these people still live within a 250 km of Hanna, so feel free to stop in and say hi to:

boogy
boogela
boozie
goose
skinner
boner
woody
mangler
stanger
houda
coppertop
giggy
ni**er
melon
boozie
fingy
bellar
subba
bubba
t-mar
skabby
reckless
V
little V
starcy
ears
abs
twaig
skinny
grotter
rotter
toucan
rosie
'leeeeeeeee
Q
dibs
tweeter
jingly
chang---chad kroeger
schnotty
spike
fuckface
chi**er
porchmonkey
cleetus
boobie
skeeters
geeoff
lightning
burger
kush
lector
hector
huddin
scab balls
skabby scab dick scab nuts
worm
shit for brains james
coser
bucky
snake
snatch
snaks
cooba
jonny
siepsy
the asian connection
golden boy
franchise (franch)
wacker
salty boy
voovster
diane
curly
grass
pretty boy


if you have any names to add, feel free to do so in the comment section...

Lo que pasó es....

At first glance, you might not realize it, but there is 1.5 litres of vodka distributed in these cups of jelly. There are 75 cups. It was my girlfriend's birthday, and we had a party. This is the reason for the lack of updates, or any kind of general regard for internet related activities. As one american at the party put it, it was like a first year frat party. The jell-o shooters went over alright, though my hangover the next day would indicate that not everyone got their fair share. I knew it was going to be a really rough night when my date's dad came and bought us 14 litres of beer, and 3 litres of wine. Our little apartment was thumping, as was my head until last night. So, I'll be around to check out the blogs later tonight...right now, we're going for asado, or, bbq. take care, everyone.

Faro

You know when you're really bored and skip to the channel guide and you see that the simpsons is coming on in 45 mins, so you wait, or kill time for 45 mins, and then you turn on friggin' cbc and it's an episode from the first season with crappy drawings and crappier voices? I hate that. Also, I'm tired of the episode where Lisa breaks Ralph's heart, even though he ch-ch-ch-ch-chose her. This pic is from the top of a lighthouse in uruguay. yeah, i was in uruguay the other day. hope all is well in bloggy land.

*edit...if you like irony, check out the google add at the top of my page, and if it's not there, this is the link...http://www.furcanada.com/....a friggin' place that makes polar bear fur rugs, and whatever else kind of fur crap you want. dammit, someone hates me.

Stick it to 'the Man'...like this->->->->->

(unbeknownst to me, I have the head of an alien being. Thanks for the heads up.) A few days ago, I posted on essentials that you should NOT cheap out on. Well, as there is good and bad, hot and cold, O'Brien and Leno, there shall be a list of things to cheap out on. Again, in no particular order, and feel free to add your own in the comments.

10. SUNGLASSES...They just break, or you lose them anyway. Get a cheap knock-off, and no one will care, or make fun of you for buying 300 dollar glasses.

9. VALENTINE'S DAY CRAPFEST...this is the worst holiday, and just a money-grabber for 'the man'. Use it as an excuse to give cheesey or homemade gifts. Expensive Laura Secord or Bernard Callebaut Chocolates are so '90's/ high school girlfriend. Also, no one needs 1 dozen roses. 1 is sufficient, unless she is 'one of those girls'. (just kidding back there, girls.)

8. TOOTHPASTE...I recommend 9 out of 10 dentists to shut up.

7. PIZZA...there's greasy and there's thin, there's cheesey and there's dry. You know you're going to eat it anyway, and most pizza places offer pretty cheap pizza deals.

6. WINGS...no wings are healthy. You might as well pay 10 cents as compared to 35.

5. BOOKS...you know you feel cool and emo going into a used book store. don't deny it.

4. SHAMPOO/TOILET PAPER...tie here...buy cheap, it's all the same.

3. BIRTHDAY PRESENTS FOR KIDS UNDER 4...they like the boxes better anyway, so don't splurge on something great that they don't care about.

2. MOVIE TICKETS...with all the crap out there, why not just rent a movie? and if you have to have to (yes, double time) go, then go on cheap night if it exists, or to a matineé. When I left Calgary, movies were about 15 dollars to go and see.

1. T-SHIRTS... I haven't boughten a new t shirt in years...used is the way to go...unless you want to buy used-looking-but-new-shirts at the gap.

Like a Fish Out of Water

We went to the Buenos Aires Zoo the other day, because my girlfriend had to do some sketches of the animals there for her class. Now, I'm not a fan of zoos, nor is she, and don't even get me started on the circus. But, I went out of curiosity...to see how the zoos here, in a third world country, could compare to those I've seen in calgary. hmmmmmm

There seems to be something wrong about a polar bear in 35 degree heat, in the middle of a megopolis, no? At least there were two polar bears...we saw a grizzly that just walked and paced in circles...it was awful. Animal suffering irritates me so much...they're so innoncent, and deserve to be in nature, not amongst apartment blocks.












There are always going to be those that say if we don't have zoos, than how will people learn to appreciate the animals, how will they connect with them. Maybe it's better if people don't appreciate them...

PEARL JAM

Um, I don't know what to say about this concert. It was the best I've ever been to, bar none. The crowd was amazing, and the band was fantastic. I've been waiting a lot of years, basically since 10 to see these guys, and it was totally emotional. Every song was absolutely perfect, and I even fought my way up to the very front at one point, like feet away from eddie. It was unreal.
From when we first arrived, and they were playing Evolution...
From near the front of the stage...
Naked, sweaty guys...just the way I like them...
Eddie during Better Man...
Eddie from up close...
I can die happy now.

Don't CHEAP OUT on THESE this Holiday Season

*edit...these COULD be Christmas presents or not...i just mean that it pays to buy, as gifts or for yourself, these quality things...these are general items...i don't expect that many of you are buying cheeze whiz or peanut butter for christmas...perhaps i should have chosen a different title...i could have used winter season, or fall season.

We are all cheap. At some point in time, there is always a crappy brandname with relatively the same product that your Sonys, Kraft Dinners, and Ichibans put out there...maybe some of these Premium brands even put out a 'farm-team' of items, for the cheap consumer. Ok, at times, it's fine and doesn't make a difference what crap you buy. However, there are some things that should be doled out for. This, then, is a list of those things according to our experts...

1. HEADPHONES...nothing is worse than crackly, shitty, headphones. Buy a good, durable pair.

2. GUY´S UNDERWEAR...if it's not good quality, come lunch time, that thing is going to be wedged pretty far up there.

3. A DISCMAN...with so many anti-skip options available for relatively low costs, why risk buying a no namer from costco? do you like skipping cd's? is that fun?

4. HOCKEY STICKS...you know the cheap ones are just going to break first time you miss that one-timer

5. BATTERIES...lots of cheap, crappy AA's out there...none compare to a good set of rechargeables, or Duracell ultras. Don't be stupid, that Ever Ready Sucks, and you've always known it sucks..why would it change this time?

6. RAZORS...guys, you know that bic is a pen company, and not a good one...why trust a bic razor, unless you want to be ALL PATCHY?

7. BEER...if all you can afford is 6 sleeman, or 12 mountain crest, go for the six, and then maybe once you're feeling alright, you'll be fit to handle the cheap urine-like quality of the others, or american beer.

8. PEANUT BUTTER...you know Squirrel or Crunchy is the best and all the rest is crap.

9. CHEEZE WHIZ...what is that other crap they sell?

10. ICE CREAM...buy a good brand, cause the rest will be filled with water crystals, and if you wanted that, you could have boughten a slurpee (but from Sev, cause the rest suck.)

11. DOMES...I don't need to elaborate here.


also, PEARL JAM, Tonight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pucker up, Buttercup!

Buenos Aires, temperature yesterday, a balmy 35 with a relative humidity of 99.9. Basically, it was like swimming in boiling water all day. With temperatures like these, there are 2 constants, the first being pretty much the worst thing ever, the second being a definite relief. The first constant is having to kiss hello sweaty, old, fat, greasy, sweaty, young, old people. I have adjusted to the normal kiss hello, but when you include the layer of sweat and grease induced by the above daily temperature, dammit, no one should have to go through that. They need to adopt a handshake for the summer. The second constant, the relief constant, are huge deluges at night. I woke up at 330 in the morning to this:
...the best part is, it's only spring, and everyone keeps telling me, 'wait until it gets really hot.'

At least I have Clarity!

To start on a lighter note, I went running last night, my usual 45 minutes, which was ok, except at the end, I looked down and saw that my left nipple was leaking blood like cows tit. Leg injuries, I expect...nipple injuries?!?! gimme a break!

I didn't think that I would ever miss this city at the top, but, in fact, I do now. I know it's not the most cultural city, nor does it have the most open- minded people, but I know good people there, and I am more myself there.

In his works, Shakespeare used to write about the different masks that people wear, depending on their social situations, which, I believe, is really true. In essence, then, nobody really has a true self, but a collection of masks that they choose to wear, depending on who they are with at the moment. I see that in many people, and in many blogs, and I don't fault it-I think it shows adaptability. At times, I feel completely uncomfortable here, and this is why...it's too hard to be who I want to be and I can't be the person that I like most in myself, something you can only get through feeling at ease. People here are on edge, and pretentious, and look down on North American life as uncultured...anyway, I'll rant about that later (i really don't want this to be a ranting blog, or a whiny blog!!!!!!!)

The other constant in the back of my mind that I know I need is this: Isn't that the coolest classroom ever???? I was totally proud of it. I was teaching last year in a fairly high-needs school, and those kids had so many problems outside of school, it was really a mix of counseling and teaching. Anyway, it gave me a purpose, and yeah, there were days when I wanted to quit, or everything went wrong, but in the end, I knew that I was making a positive difference in their lives. Here, I don't have that. Teaching English does not give you that 'i need you' feeling that teaching does. I'm a softie, and obviously when I had to say good-bye to the kids, I cried...and some of them did as well. These are tough kids, and to get that kind of emotion from them was the most rewarding thing...yet extremely difficult because I was losing them.

I'll never be the typical teacher who wears shirts according to the season and holiday, but I know that it is the thing I want most in my life, and the thing I miss the most here...which, in a way is a good thing, because I know that I'll always have that!

In the Absence of Christmas Lights...

To me, one of the pervading thoughts that worries me is time. But not just the thought of wasting it, or time never stopping. No. I find myself preoccupied with concepts like the following: Remember how long it seemed to take to get from age 5 to age 15? That decade took FOREVER. However, when I think of the decade from 15 to 25, that flew by. Or even years now...It seems so recent that I was graduating from University, but really, that was three years ago, but the five years that university took seem disproportionately longer. It worries me because obviously the next 4 or 5 years will go by quickly, and then soon I'll be in my thirties. It's not like I've been idle, and maybe that's the problem. I need to get stuck in a dead end job somewhere, so that each day passes in torturous, prolonged hours, and I'll start to hate it, but then I'll read this and remember that I wanted it so that I could slow down time.

Do you find that there are certain stupid habits you have retained since you were a kid? For example, when I am at home, and I have to go upstairs late at night in the dark, I still count to three, flick off the last light, and run like mad up the stairs. Maybe now you know more about me than you need to. But, idiosynchrisies are what make me like people, so I'll share mine with you.

Don't you want to start a new blog under an alias, and not let anyone know, and live all lies in this blog? Are you doing that right now? I might be doing that.

they're mutants now...prep h is no match!!

First of all, go here....
haha...those crazy kids...what WILL they think of next!?

Now, read this post from a conversation I had with Doug today....then, laugh at him. Loud. And then show your friends...you can email sympathy/laughs here solatpj@hotmail.com

Doug says:

hey fucko

danny says:

what's up, dick smack?

Doug says:

not too much...came home to hanna to get some work done this weekend

danny says:

haha...i love it when you pull that crap

Doug says:

want to hear something that you'll find funny, but is actually quite serious? and quite hurtful to myself?

danny says:

you know i do

danny says:

obviously i've started to smile already

Doug says:

well, remember our whole bum ouchie situation....ps...don't poke fun right now

danny says:

poke

Doug says:

well, they've been really bugging me a lot lately

danny says:

nice

danny says:

also, nice work with the 'our'

Doug says:

so last night l came home, wiped my ass good and clean, and then proceeded to take full advantage of my parents tall bathroom mirror

danny says:

haha

Doug says:

that's when l realizedthat there was a pinky finger essentially growing out of my rectum

danny says:

ñlaskdjfñalsdkjfñalskdjf

danny says:

oh damn!

danny says:

you can push that back in, you knw

danny says:

it's just a swelled vein

Doug says:

and then today when l took a shit, and noticed there was blood in my feces

danny says:

wait, can i post this on my blog, only change your name?

danny says:

please?

danny says:

i'll change it, i promise

Doug says:

please do

Doug says:

change it that is

danny says:

i will, for certain.

Doug says:

and any defining characteristics

danny says:

like the pinky finger ass problem?

Doug says:

or any others

Doug says:

so yeah, l re-evaluated the situation with the mirror....bloody mess

Doug says:

l might need a hemorrhoidectomy

danny says:

did you ask your mom to look at it?

danny says:

she's a nurse, right?

Doug says:

no she's not a nurse....and no l didn't get her to look at it.... told her about it though

Doug says:

they're mutants now...prep h is no match!!

danny says:

that sucks, dude

Doug says:

yeah big time man, l don't wanna have to get surgery...maybe a prescription will take care of the little whores (pronounced who-were's)

danny says:

don't kid yourself, pal

Doug says:

l just finished ice packing my asshole if that adds to your story

danny says:

well, i guess it can't hurt

Doug says:

places pillows side by side, squeezing an ice pack between so to put the ice pack right up my ass crack

danny says:

and...relief or what?

Doug says:

well, it was numbing

I know that you don't know Doug, and never will (for your sake), but, at times like these, you just have to sit back and reflect at how sweet the world really is.

A Disease Post

Do you like my allergic reaction I had to something while on a ferry from Morrocco to Spain? I'm hot, I know. Turns out it was likely an outburst of this skin disease that I have that causes incessant itching and sometimes severe swelling if I don't take antihistamines daily. The disease can last 20,000 days, but normally lasts 5000. Hmmm, I think i'm on day 600, or something. Speaking of diseases, I used to worry about people using AIDS or HIV as a weapon, and how screwed up is that it's happening in Canada at the moment? How scary is that? Ok, a gun is one thing, but I can't imagine the mental anguish of being threatened with a syringe that 'may' contain HIV or AIDS. Too messed up and cruel for this guy.

Top 10 'name/place Drops' Susan Should Have Made at Her Nickelback Audition...but likely didn't

Oh Susan...if only you had been blogging when you went to audition for Nickelback. How much help I could have been to you. I don't particularly like Nickelback. However, I am from Hanna, as are they, and, I guess by now, through the video for Photograph, and the Maclean's article, several of you are now aware of Hanna as well. The following is an insider's guide to the knowledge of small town Alberta...pertinent to anyone who 'really wants to appear to be in the know'...because we all know that NAME DROPPING is what really counts in this business.

(no particular order to the dialogues, as my laziness prevents me from doing so)

10. Susan-wait. You guys are from Hanna, right? Isn't that the hometown of former Calgary Flame Lanny McDonald also? He was their captain, right?
9. Susan- Is it true that there are a lot of deserted old farm houses all around Hanna, giving it a real ghost-town feel?

8. Susan- Yeah, hotels in Hanna are pretty rustic, eh?
Chad- I guess, but the one we used to play in had RIPPERS 5 nights per week!
(conversation ensues)7. Susan-Hanna? hmmm, oh, wait...isn't there a coal mine and power plant near Hanna called Sheerness that both creates a heated lake for enjoyment, and also emits a dangerous amount of toxins into the air for unenjoyment?
6. Susan-Oh, the part in the Photograph video where the birds are flying and the guy is chasing after the girl is my favourite. I actually saw a picture of that roundhouse on the internet one time. Didn't some guy from Calgary buy that and doesn't he have plans to turn it into a Railway Museum?5. Susan-A lot of people call Hanna 'armpit Albert'. But, since I'm from BC, I find the wide, flat spaces breathtaking, and they actually have the same effect as the mountains in that dwarf you.
4. Susan- Hanna, eh? Hmm, isn't there a lake near Hanna called Fox Lake, even though there are no foxes at all? On Canada Day, three years ago, didn't someone jump a ski-doo in the water and make it into the Guiness Book of World Records for longest Ski-doo jump on water? Didn't 2000 people from the town line the beach to watch this?
3. Susan- Isn't there a tiny campground near there where the kids used to drink at lunch time and after school?
2. Susan- I have a pretty good idea of where Hanna is, actually...
1. Susan- Is it true that there is nothing better to do in Hanna than cruise main street and the back roads on a Friday night...and any night for that matter?


So, well, for Susan, and for anyone else auditioning for Nickelback, I hope this gave you some insight. Yes, there are only 3000 people in Hanna. No, there is not a lot to do. Is there a movie theatre? no. Are there over 10 churches? yes.Was I happy to leave? Hell yeah, but I wouldn't exchange growing up there for anything.